God’s Will or Hers?

God’s Will or Hers?: Loving the Lord your God should be priority number one. Sometimes priorities get mixed up. Perhaps more praying and trusting in the Lord is what is needed.

Believe in Tomorrow

When you feel like your feet can't move anymore and you feel lost in the middle of the storm, there will be new blessings coming and strength and wisdom that is achieved.  Just keep going.

A Day of Beauty

A hop is in my step today.  Looking forward to a beautiful day.

Never Be Afraid of Who You Are

The stigma of mental illness has not been an easy fear for me to combat.  There has been an improvement since years ago, though a better awareness and tolerance is needed.  Also treatment and care needs to be improved within health care, insurance, and across the population of people who just don't understand what mental illness is all about.  

The thought that people think I'm different or crazy because of a diagnosis has been a problem that needs resolution.  Over twenty years ago with my first psychotic break, it was apparent that the inability to cope with a particular situation was beyond my ability.  I do have to admit that at that time the circumstance that brought me over the edge was an undeniable fear.  

My capacity to deal with this situation was too much for me, so my mind began to protect me from my fear of loss.  I became delusional with thoughts of my ex-husband being a child molester to my children, which he was not.  I, after years of wondering why my mind came to that conclusion, decided it was a way of being able to take a valid and complete action against my ex-husband for behavior that was totally intolerable.

Sexual molestation was not the problem but another type of abuse which at times was violent and other times emotional, was the case.  I believe I thought that the anger and emotional reasons for abuse could be worked out.  He was not an  unkind person, after all.  But when social services brought about the thought of the loss of my children, and when I was the one dealing with that issue alone (never my ex-husband), I had lost that parental control.  I had lost the ability to be the mother that I knew I was - a compassionate and loving mother.

It was after mother's day in which I was given a dozen roses, from my ex-husband, that my mind began to slip.  I was relying on God and his guidance for all of my actions, and I thought that I could see God's plan being unraveled in front of my eyes.  Clearly I was not thinking rationally.

I confronted my ex-husband about the molestation, in which he denied.  Yes, this was a delusion.  But I was absolutely sure this was the case, and he would no longer be a part of their lives.  I was fierce.

  Paranoia set in which I thought I was being watched.  Water, rain, ponds, anything with water would cleanse me, and help to purify my thoughts.  I was fully clothed and walking into a pond near my parents home.  The ability to talk became difficult because I was counting all of my syllables, and feared that I would end up on the wrong number.  Numbers, colors, songs, street signs, pretty much everything I saw or heard meant something.

My parents took over with the children and with getting me the help that I needed.  I recall crying and screaming when a friend dropped me off at my parents home.  I was a fully grown adult, yet my dad carried me into the house as I was unable to be comforted and I cried and screamed uncontrollably.  It was mom that fought my battles as I was unable to at that time.  I even resorted back to calling my parents mommy and daddy.  I so needed their help and care.  Being strong for too long and refusing to get help or assistance had control over my mind.  I was under the grips of a total breakdown.

Before being hospitalized, I recall being in bed for the night.  Mom was caring for the kids at my home.  I was having difficulty speaking and my ex-husband came into the room and sat on the edge of the bed.  I'm sure his pride had been crushed due to the accusations I had made.  I tried to speak to him, but couldn't get out any words because of my delusional fears.  Tears were the only thing that I could accomplish at that time.  To my disbelief, I recall the anger in his eyes as both his hands went to encircle my neck.  He retreated before touching my skin.  However my fear of him and that unbelievable scenario, I will forever remember.

It is after I received the help that I needed and was put on medications to control my psychosis that I was able to move on with my life.  The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder of the fear of losing the kids had been initiated and combated for years to come, as I strived to maintain my marriage.  The children were raised and loved and pushed toward successful futures.  And gratefully with much love, my parents were the guiding and loving force which held my optimism and persistence to achieve balance and goals.

I was always afraid to disclose that I had and still do suffer from Mental Illness or that I had endured any of that stressful chaos in the past.  It was my mom who said that I should never be afraid of who I am.  It was with time and courage I that became capable of telling my story, and to not be afraid of repercussions or of the stigma that remains.

I am now able to embrace the strength that I have achieved through my difficulties.  I am not any different than anyone else.  I have a brain disorder in which my medications maintain my balance along with therapy - just as someone may have any other physical disorder that medications control.  Isn't our brain just as much a part of our body as our heart, liver, lungs, endocrine system, or any other system or organ?  It is just that which scares people or there is lack of understanding, stigmas are based.   

Daisy

This is Daisy.  She shows me unconditional love, and always helps me to look at the good things in life.  The best decision I recently made was adopting her into our family.

With the deaths of both of my parents and caring for my mother during her end of life, the aftermath of the losses left me alone without knowing how to move forward.  I decided to get this little pup, and learn to train her.  She has brought me a wonderful happiness and purpose that I forgot I had.

I am alone during the day because I am unable to work due to my disability.  Well that is no longer the case.  She follows my lead and goes with my temperament and schedule.  She is a well behaved, smart, loving pup.  I couldn't have asked for better!

Stay Calm and Smile

I spoke at a Public Hearing for the state's budget to advocate for mental health care recently.  This is something I've never done before.  Not knowing what I was doing, I read up on the areas of concern that needed to not be decreased or eliminated, and I wrote why I felt this way.  I also added a tiny bit of my experience with Mental Illness into my writing.  

I thought to myself that I was prepared, even though I was unsure if my words were appropriate.  Yes, I  was nervous but onward I went.Waiting for my turn to speak felt eternal.  It is not that I have never done public speaking because I had.  I had spoken about my mental illness in a forum before, and had done it successfully.  But this was different.  This was televised and I was uncertain of the comments I was saying.  This was more of a professional and formal atmosphere than I had previously spoke in before.

Finally my name was called and I walked up and sat in the front chair, and waited for the person beside me to finish speaking.  As I was sitting there, I was aware (quite significantly) that the top of my head began to pound.  I tried to will it away.  I prayed to get through this speech.  It was only two minutes.  I could do this.  Truly I didn't feel as nervous as my body was responding.  I was able to read some of my speech, but my time seemed to fly by much too quickly.  And when I saw the red light go on, I finished the sentence that I was reading.

I smiled as the chairman of the board said "Thank you for coming", and I quickly walked out of the Town Hall.  My head was uncontrollably pounding and nausea was taking over.  When I got to my car, first thing I was able to do was call my husband.  Thank God he was available and able to be as calming and understanding as he was.
I sat there in my car crying with my husband at the other end of the phone for over a half an hour.  Then I was able to move my car down the road to the drugstore to get some migraine medicine, and once again sit there for a short period of time.  Thank God for my husband's calming voice and help with what I should do next.  Sometimes the ability to think to the next step when anxiety takes over is beyond me.  Despite all of my chaos after the speech, it is without any recognition from anyone that there was any problem.
That is the way it always has been for me.  I'm (usually) able to keep it together and smile until after what needs to be done is done.  I can appear calm on the outside, and how I'm able to do this is not even understood by me.  Though this doesn't work all the time, my calm demeanor is even not understood by me.
What I'm thankful for is that even though I had a breakdown after I spoke at the town hall, the Lord allowed me to speak.  I was able to get across some of my thoughts clearly.  I spoke on behalf of the many people that so need these services, and their funding.
What I learned is that in an atmosphere such as this, I would prefer to advocate from the sidelines.  Perhaps writing my beliefs and experiences would be the better way to go.  I can advocate loudly by writing to the government officials.


This is a copy of my recent statement at the Town Hall in relation to the budget and Mental Healthcare:

March 9, 2015

I first introduced myself.

I'm a former Registered Nurse who is now unable to work due to my disabling Bipolar Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Anxiety Disorder. I'm here in support of the funding for Mental Health Services as proposed in the budget.

All of the proposed areas are in great need for continuation, and I believe there is even a greater need than these alone. Even the thought of decreasing the Mental Health efforts when there is such a need for more help is troublesome. This decision will put any mental health reform, stigma, or agenda to decrease discrimination toward mental health obstacles at a major disadvantage. There is such a great need for more medical help, sensitivity to individuals, and a greater need for awareness of the burden that is Mental Illness.

The Ten Year Mental Health Plan and the Children's Behavioral Health Plan are integral parts to making a change in Mental Health Reform and bringing us to a better place with regard to Mental Illness problems as a society. Thinking of Mental Illness as secondary or a less important problem is wrong and needs to be changed. Meeting the needs of all human beings and their illnesses is the goal.

I recall thinking to myself one time that I would prefer to have a terminal cancer because at least there is an end to the suffering. Why is it that a physical illness is anymore important than mental illness? It is the entire person as a whole that is in need of assistance.

I support the reauthorizing of The New Hampshire Health Protection Program. Low Income families afflicted with substance abuse and Mental Illness need both medical and mental health help, along with substance abuse help as well. There are many individuals already benefiting from the mental health services which are provided as part of this Health Protection Program. Also substance abuse care is needed for low income individuals as well.

Mental Health and Substance Abuse programs are essential. As part of the news we hear about the increase in suicide which can be helped with enough mental health resources available. I must admit that Suicidal Ideation is something in which I struggle with myself. It is a symptom of my mental illness that I deal with, and without resources to help me learn how to deal with it, I may not be here today. Also deaths related to substance abuse is astonishing. I was recently touched by a death of friend's child. A beautiful young female who was twenty-seven and had one child at her time of death due to heroine. Decreasing these instances and more help is needed.

 Finally, I support the funding for the Mental Health Settlement Agreement. Though it was stated in the “Expert Reviewer Report” written on December 26, 2014 that there are “not sufficient” resources for implementation. These resources are “scarce” but that is not a reason to “slow down or impede implementation”. I believe that moving forward is essential. There are ways to move forward, but to decrease what is minimally available is disheartening. It decreases any abilities to solving critical areas of concern.

Courage

Keep trying!