Believe in Tomorrow

When you feel like your feet can't move anymore and you feel lost in the middle of the storm, there will be new blessings coming and strength and wisdom that is achieved.  Just keep going.

A Day of Beauty

A hop is in my step today.  Looking forward to a beautiful day.

Never Be Afraid of Who You Are

The stigma of mental illness has not been an easy fear for me to combat.  There has been an improvement since years ago, though a better awareness and tolerance is needed.  Also treatment and care needs to be improved within health care, insurance, and across the population of people who just don't understand what mental illness is all about.  

The thought that people think I'm different or crazy because of a diagnosis has been a problem that needs resolution.  Over twenty years ago with my first psychotic break, it was apparent that the inability to cope with a particular situation was beyond my ability.  I do have to admit that at that time the circumstance that brought me over the edge was an undeniable fear.  

My capacity to deal with this situation was too much for me, so my mind began to protect me from my fear of loss.  I became delusional with thoughts of my ex-husband being a child molester to my children, which he was not.  I, after years of wondering why my mind came to that conclusion, decided it was a way of being able to take a valid and complete action against my ex-husband for behavior that was totally intolerable.

Sexual molestation was not the problem but another type of abuse which at times was violent and other times emotional, was the case.  I believe I thought that the anger and emotional reasons for abuse could be worked out.  He was not an  unkind person, after all.  But when social services brought about the thought of the loss of my children, and when I was the one dealing with that issue alone (never my ex-husband), I had lost that parental control.  I had lost the ability to be the mother that I knew I was - a compassionate and loving mother.

It was after mother's day in which I was given a dozen roses, from my ex-husband, that my mind began to slip.  I was relying on God and his guidance for all of my actions, and I thought that I could see God's plan being unraveled in front of my eyes.  Clearly I was not thinking rationally.

I confronted my ex-husband about the molestation, in which he denied.  Yes, this was a delusion.  But I was absolutely sure this was the case, and he would no longer be a part of their lives.  I was fierce.

  Paranoia set in which I thought I was being watched.  Water, rain, ponds, anything with water would cleanse me, and help to purify my thoughts.  I was fully clothed and walking into a pond near my parents home.  The ability to talk became difficult because I was counting all of my syllables, and feared that I would end up on the wrong number.  Numbers, colors, songs, street signs, pretty much everything I saw or heard meant something.

My parents took over with the children and with getting me the help that I needed.  I recall crying and screaming when a friend dropped me off at my parents home.  I was a fully grown adult, yet my dad carried me into the house as I was unable to be comforted and I cried and screamed uncontrollably.  It was mom that fought my battles as I was unable to at that time.  I even resorted back to calling my parents mommy and daddy.  I so needed their help and care.  Being strong for too long and refusing to get help or assistance had control over my mind.  I was under the grips of a total breakdown.

Before being hospitalized, I recall being in bed for the night.  Mom was caring for the kids at my home.  I was having difficulty speaking and my ex-husband came into the room and sat on the edge of the bed.  I'm sure his pride had been crushed due to the accusations I had made.  I tried to speak to him, but couldn't get out any words because of my delusional fears.  Tears were the only thing that I could accomplish at that time.  To my disbelief, I recall the anger in his eyes as both his hands went to encircle my neck.  He retreated before touching my skin.  However my fear of him and that unbelievable scenario, I will forever remember.

It is after I received the help that I needed and was put on medications to control my psychosis that I was able to move on with my life.  The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder of the fear of losing the kids had been initiated and combated for years to come, as I strived to maintain my marriage.  The children were raised and loved and pushed toward successful futures.  And gratefully with much love, my parents were the guiding and loving force which held my optimism and persistence to achieve balance and goals.

I was always afraid to disclose that I had and still do suffer from Mental Illness or that I had endured any of that stressful chaos in the past.  It was my mom who said that I should never be afraid of who I am.  It was with time and courage I that became capable of telling my story, and to not be afraid of repercussions or of the stigma that remains.

I am now able to embrace the strength that I have achieved through my difficulties.  I am not any different than anyone else.  I have a brain disorder in which my medications maintain my balance along with therapy - just as someone may have any other physical disorder that medications control.  Isn't our brain just as much a part of our body as our heart, liver, lungs, endocrine system, or any other system or organ?  It is just that which scares people or there is lack of understanding, stigmas are based.   

Daisy

This is Daisy.  She shows me unconditional love, and always helps me to look at the good things in life.  The best decision I recently made was adopting her into our family.

With the deaths of both of my parents and caring for my mother during her end of life, the aftermath of the losses left me alone without knowing how to move forward.  I decided to get this little pup, and learn to train her.  She has brought me a wonderful happiness and purpose that I forgot I had.

I am alone during the day because I am unable to work due to my disability.  Well that is no longer the case.  She follows my lead and goes with my temperament and schedule.  She is a well behaved, smart, loving pup.  I couldn't have asked for better!

Stay Calm and Smile

I spoke at a Public Hearing for the state's budget to advocate for mental health care recently.  This is something I've never done before.  Not knowing what I was doing, I read up on the areas of concern that needed to not be decreased or eliminated, and I wrote why I felt this way.  I also added a tiny bit of my experience with Mental Illness into my writing.  

I thought to myself that I was prepared, even though I was unsure if my words were appropriate.  Yes, I  was nervous but onward I went.Waiting for my turn to speak felt eternal.  It is not that I have never done public speaking because I had.  I had spoken about my mental illness in a forum before, and had done it successfully.  But this was different.  This was televised and I was uncertain of the comments I was saying.  This was more of a professional and formal atmosphere than I had previously spoke in before.

Finally my name was called and I walked up and sat in the front chair, and waited for the person beside me to finish speaking.  As I was sitting there, I was aware (quite significantly) that the top of my head began to pound.  I tried to will it away.  I prayed to get through this speech.  It was only two minutes.  I could do this.  Truly I didn't feel as nervous as my body was responding.  I was able to read some of my speech, but my time seemed to fly by much too quickly.  And when I saw the red light go on, I finished the sentence that I was reading.

I smiled as the chairman of the board said "Thank you for coming", and I quickly walked out of the Town Hall.  My head was uncontrollably pounding and nausea was taking over.  When I got to my car, first thing I was able to do was call my husband.  Thank God he was available and able to be as calming and understanding as he was.
I sat there in my car crying with my husband at the other end of the phone for over a half an hour.  Then I was able to move my car down the road to the drugstore to get some migraine medicine, and once again sit there for a short period of time.  Thank God for my husband's calming voice and help with what I should do next.  Sometimes the ability to think to the next step when anxiety takes over is beyond me.  Despite all of my chaos after the speech, it is without any recognition from anyone that there was any problem.
That is the way it always has been for me.  I'm (usually) able to keep it together and smile until after what needs to be done is done.  I can appear calm on the outside, and how I'm able to do this is not even understood by me.  Though this doesn't work all the time, my calm demeanor is even not understood by me.
What I'm thankful for is that even though I had a breakdown after I spoke at the town hall, the Lord allowed me to speak.  I was able to get across some of my thoughts clearly.  I spoke on behalf of the many people that so need these services, and their funding.
What I learned is that in an atmosphere such as this, I would prefer to advocate from the sidelines.  Perhaps writing my beliefs and experiences would be the better way to go.  I can advocate loudly by writing to the government officials.


This is a copy of my recent statement at the Town Hall in relation to the budget and Mental Healthcare:

March 9, 2015

I first introduced myself.

I'm a former Registered Nurse who is now unable to work due to my disabling Bipolar Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Anxiety Disorder. I'm here in support of the funding for Mental Health Services as proposed in the budget.

All of the proposed areas are in great need for continuation, and I believe there is even a greater need than these alone. Even the thought of decreasing the Mental Health efforts when there is such a need for more help is troublesome. This decision will put any mental health reform, stigma, or agenda to decrease discrimination toward mental health obstacles at a major disadvantage. There is such a great need for more medical help, sensitivity to individuals, and a greater need for awareness of the burden that is Mental Illness.

The Ten Year Mental Health Plan and the Children's Behavioral Health Plan are integral parts to making a change in Mental Health Reform and bringing us to a better place with regard to Mental Illness problems as a society. Thinking of Mental Illness as secondary or a less important problem is wrong and needs to be changed. Meeting the needs of all human beings and their illnesses is the goal.

I recall thinking to myself one time that I would prefer to have a terminal cancer because at least there is an end to the suffering. Why is it that a physical illness is anymore important than mental illness? It is the entire person as a whole that is in need of assistance.

I support the reauthorizing of The New Hampshire Health Protection Program. Low Income families afflicted with substance abuse and Mental Illness need both medical and mental health help, along with substance abuse help as well. There are many individuals already benefiting from the mental health services which are provided as part of this Health Protection Program. Also substance abuse care is needed for low income individuals as well.

Mental Health and Substance Abuse programs are essential. As part of the news we hear about the increase in suicide which can be helped with enough mental health resources available. I must admit that Suicidal Ideation is something in which I struggle with myself. It is a symptom of my mental illness that I deal with, and without resources to help me learn how to deal with it, I may not be here today. Also deaths related to substance abuse is astonishing. I was recently touched by a death of friend's child. A beautiful young female who was twenty-seven and had one child at her time of death due to heroine. Decreasing these instances and more help is needed.

 Finally, I support the funding for the Mental Health Settlement Agreement. Though it was stated in the “Expert Reviewer Report” written on December 26, 2014 that there are “not sufficient” resources for implementation. These resources are “scarce” but that is not a reason to “slow down or impede implementation”. I believe that moving forward is essential. There are ways to move forward, but to decrease what is minimally available is disheartening. It decreases any abilities to solving critical areas of concern.

Courage

Keep trying!

Wonderful Beginning

Saying goodbye is so extremely difficult, even if you are the one creating the action.  Many say that when a marriage stays together for a lifetime, that is the way it's suppose to be.  It is truly amazing.  And yes, I agree.  However there are those times in which a relationship is best to dissolve.  I never thought that I would say these words, yet without a doubt I believe this to be true.

I am not saying that with difficulties in a relationship one should flee and say I've had enough.  That would be absurd.  However there are instances when a relationship is damaging and destroying to someone.  In this unhealthy instance, it is imperative to realize this fact and move to the next chapter.  I know that this statement can and will be contested.  However when one lives through an unhealthy relationship, I believe this to be best.  

It had been twenty-five years that we had been a couple, and I finally realized that the patterns of anger would not change.  It is not that we had not tried.  It was not that there was not a love between us.  It was that this relationship was unhealthy and emotionally abusive.  And it was time to think of my emotional stability and health.

Leaving a relationship after all those years was incredibly exhausting.  Just to make it through moments at times without thinking about him and wanting to call him was a great effort.  My counselor helped me to achieve and make it through those times.  Learning to increase my time without speaking to him was helpful.  I remember her telling me that if I'm in the car and I want to call him just say to myself that I can make it to the next exit, then to another exit.  This strategy of waiting definitely increased my ability to stay away.  It may sound silly but after being with him from the age of thirteen, there was a definite need for him.

I never understood the hardship that was endured with a divorce, and I believe that someone who has not gone through this pain is at a disadvantage of that understanding capability.  My only comparison is a death of a loved one, yet this person is still alive and can be reached.  This awareness makes the end of the relationship strenuous because there is no definite completion.  Not that this makes this situation harder, it is just similar in that one has to learn to live without that person.

For me this decision, though it was hard, was a breakthrough to a new beginning for me.  At first I felt lost, and I didn't know what to do with all of my time.  Moving on as a single person was truly something I had not experienced since I was a teenager.  But as time went on, living and moving to the next day was easier.

I met a few people who I dated for brief periods of time, but it was when I met my now husband that I knew he could be the one.  One particular Valentines Day, I remember him travelling an hour and a half in the morning before his work time to surprise me on my lunch break.  I went out to my car and saw it filled with balloons, a  large soft pink teddy bear, beautiful roses, and a box of chocolate.  I remember just laughing and being filled with such a joy that I hadn't felt for years.  My heart was so filled with love.  He won me over.  It was three years later that we married each other.

I had acquired a PTSD from my previous marriage that my new husband and I had to both learn how to deal with.  Just a harsh or louder tone of voice would make me turn my emotions inward, and I would hold in all of my thoughts and feelings.  Learning how to deal with situations productively for me was challenging.  It was also a challenge for my husband who has always been patient and understanding.

Just the difference in monitoring and controlling my Bipolar has been a complete turn around.  My previous husband did not like my doctors, my medications, my challenges.  This would cause incredible stress which magnified my difficulties.  My husband now is such a supporter.  He has done research, gone to counselling appoints with me, helps to monitor my moods, and is my biggest supporter.

I remember the fear that my parents had when I was with my ex-husband.  They feared that I would not be cared for properly, if I had a decompensation in my mental status, due to anger or inability to understand on my ex-husbands part.  I recall the relief for both of them felt, before their deaths, with the realization that I was now in a healthy, loving, caring relationship in which protection and understanding would be provided.

God has definitely rewarded me with a new beginning.  Life is moving forward without fear!  The dreadful fear that I lived with for years is gone.  It is joyful and astonishing to know that now when I say something, though I cringe for the response, what I get is a rational reply.  Sometimes I smile to myself because the change is just breathtaking.

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Knowing With Certainty

Knowing that it was just God who touched your soul is a beautiful thing.  Seeing His love unfold around us is awesome!

Thank you God

Past Dedication

Written in the beginning of 2013 on personal Facebook Page:

When I graduated from nursing school, eons ago, this song came out and it immediately made me think of my mom. I bought her this CD, I think for mothers day, and dedicated this song to her.
It is not only because she is my mom. It is because she is a true friend and I couldn't have asked for a better role model to aspire to. 
I have not always been the easiest child. (Don't tell her I admitted this). Other than the usual antics. Yes, getting married at 16, having all my children by the time I was 19, and then to top it off finding out I had Bipolar and having to be hospitalized several times over the years, this was trying to say the least.
I do recall though that during one of my "breakdowns", my mind had a break in reality. I needed someone to care for me, fight for me, and guide me back to living my life. Mom was the one who did this. She not only fought for me, she was there reorganizing my life afterward. Teaching me once again how to do the laundry, organize the house, care for the kids.
Thankfully, I now monitor myself extremely closely, and I have a wonderfully supportive husband and children. But it is my mom who has pushed me forward. And mom, I will do everything I can for you.
Thank you so much for your love.

Spirit of Strength

Always Believe and have Hope!

Struggle Turned Into Beauty

How could I ever possibly think this to be true?  When would this thought ever take place?  Then the time came!  Gradually, knowing that the struggle helped to create the beauty began to occur to me.

Going through the difficult times, and recalling the difficult times does not always mean, for me, that I am lost in the past, or thinking about what could have been.  Sometimes the recollections just help me to focus on what these times have taught me and how these experiences have given me perspective, and helped me to grow and become a strong individual.

Recalling my struggle with mental illness, the depression, the loss in reality, the mania, and all the experiences along with it that provided growth and awareness gives me hope in the future.  So much has happened, yet I made it through and now I know so much more than I did and I know what I need to do as I move forward.  This doesn't mean that this walk is any easier.  It just means that I'm more prepared and I've been there before.  It means that I'm better at withstanding trials because I have made it through the chaos.

I have also learned a great lesson too.  I have learned who I can trust and who will stand by my side and support me.  Family and friends have provided strength for me when the struggles were too hard to take.  They have pushed me forward and given me hope when I felt hopeless and confused.  I am so thankful to many of my family that I came to know more closely during these trying times in the last five years particularly, with the death of both my parents and the unbelievably hard times I didn't think that I'd make it through.  Just the encouraging words when I needed them has carried me to the next chapter.  

I have realized I have a pretty cool family, and extended family, that lifts me when I need them.  And I wish there were more words to say thank you and I love you.  I have also realized who my true friends are and the ones I can rely on.  Hard times definitely showed me who will be there.  My gratitude and love goes out to all of you.

Something that my mom would frequently say to me.  She told me to turn the situation around and put a spin on it, "turn the bad thoughts positive".  And I remember her saying, go out, have fun, and laugh - as if laughing could be a planned event.  What I did not even comprehend was that trying to make these things happen was possible, and even purposeful.

For me, writing my experiences allows me to do just that.  I am able to gain the true lesson and the growth gained from a situation.  I'm able to "turn the situation around and see the positive".  Mom was so right.  She really knew what she was talking about.  And to think, I never thought that turning a situation around was possible.  I never could comprehend how that was done.  And yes, with turning a situation positive it allows me to be more accomplished and at peace.

And as for her saying, "Go out, have fun, and laugh" - well, I'm still contemplating that one.  Perhaps it's the people who I decide to have in my life.  Keeping those people in my life who bring me happiness and love, and weed out those that are toxic to my spirit, will be helpful.  I will then be able to smile and laugh more.  Mom, I will definitely work on the laughing more!

I never truly understood the person that my mother was until she came home to live with me during the last six months of her life. She was an optimistic, loving, humorous, determined human being that never took being knocked down lightly.  She was able to pick herself up and move forward.  She was also a person with abundant love and oversight for her family and friends.  And she  led and taught by her actions.  And yes, she was able to smile and laugh despite any trying circumstance.

I remember her falling and being airlifted to Boston and having immediate life threatening brain surgery.  Living through the surgery or immediate recovery was questionable.  Yet when she was in ICU and under anesthesia while her brain recovered from the swelling, she was woken up periodically to see how she was recovering for brief moments of time.  One of those times she was able to smile and stick her tongue out at my son.  To be that carefree, loving, and optimistic is truly a gift.  So what excuse do I have not to follow her example.  What I learned was priceless.

  How could I say everything that happened was not special?  These times were trying, grueling, difficult times to endure.  Yet with all of these struggles, shining in the forefront is some amazingly beautiful moments and growth.  These were times I wouldn't change for anything.

Speaking My Mind

I chose to release myself, my memories, and to learn and grow.  This is my Journey to interpret, and be free to share.  Even if one person says I understand, I have accomplished my goal.  My voice does shake at times, and my comfort zone has been trampled.  But I am happily choosing to write, and yes, my "voice" may shake at times.

Thank you for your support and comments, and choosing to be a special part of walking down this path with me.

With Broad Shoulders...

He is gone, but watching as a beacon light.  My forever guide that gives me security.  Though death may have taken you, I am aware of your presence.  Often I am astounded with how you can still be so close.

Forever your little girl.

To give your daughter away in marriage when she is sixteen years old must be a hard experience.  That day is still bright in my mind.  I will forever remember his love.  With his voice cracking, I recall the love and concern in his eyes.  Though it was difficult, he was my supporter.  And he always had broad shoulders of protection.  He was always my watchful guardian.  I believe he still is.

Even many years later when I let my nursing license expire due to my inability to work because of my mental illness, he hired me as a receptionist, accounts receivable clerk, and human resources assistant in a mill where he was a manager.  He was able to teach me all that I needed to know, plus much more.  Our bond increased considerably during this time.  During those four years he was able to watch my emotional stability and how I was managing each day.  Yes daily was different with the challenges of my Bipolar.  His concern and ability to support and keep me grounded during that time was admirable.

When he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, he remained optimistic.  I knew that stage four cancer was ultimately going to take his life, and with the medical background I had, I felt trapped in my own dismay.  I could not acknowledge my fears to him.  This made for a lonely, stressful period.  But that day that I felt I was able to tell him how worried I was, I sobbed on his shoulder for the dad that I so loved.  I couldn't imagine losing him.  He knew that I was scared for him and he comforted me, though I'm sure his own concern for himself was in the forefront.  I recall my tears leaving mascara all over his shirt, and the two of us being able to chuckle about it.  This memory will always be ingrained in my mind.

I am grateful and forever thankful for the Dad that I was blessed to have.  I couldn't have asked for better.  I will always be full of love and gratitude for all that he provided.  Truly, my hero.  

Living Through Fear

Living with a daily fear in your mind for years and years is crippling to the spirit.  It is what is accomplished, though this fear exists, that shows our determination.  And what is of utmost importance is decided when one pushes through this anxiety and fear.  

It is draining to on a constant basis live with the thought of devastation and ultimate loss, but it is this thought that can be the motivator to be triumphant.  The thought of loss for me which would cause my devastation was having my children taken away from me and given to someone else.  Caring and loving my children was my position in life in which I took with great responsibility and care.  My children alone were the reason I moved forward despite this difficult fear.

This was not a made-up or fabricated fear in my mind that I began to consider for no reason.  This was due to, for me, a horrific experience that was endured.  This experience was teetering to be repeated due to circumstances that I lived with on a constant basis.

It was my life as a whole that could be crushed.  It was my former husband that was the key player and the one that could ultimately bring about the devastation.  He was the one who was able to thunderously scream and anger quickly.  He was the one who also held the family together financially.  And to lose his support and love, though distorted it was, I believed I could not survive alone with my children.  Though he was the threat that was causing the greater fear of extreme loss, there was no question in my mind that I was ultimately there to protect and raise the children.

To say that he didn't love his children and love me would be a lie.  He was kind and gentle at times.  He was motivational and there for the kids after school sports.  Yet the dictator and loud, no questioning or listening way about him was threatening much of the time.
Raising the children and keeping them happy and safe was the goal.  There were circumstances in which I wasn't there soon enough and emotional damage was done.  Physical damage was minimal, yet caused much havoc at particular times, and was never able to be tolerated.
Bringing one of my children to counseling was necessary, and this action was mocked by some,  though I fought for what was right and needed.  This was also a particularly scary experience for me because I was afraid that our "secrets" would be exposed.
This family life and fear of loss began at an early age of the children.  I remember the day and the experience which started the fear when social services knocked on my door, and continued till the time my youngest son turned eighteen.  I was always telling my husband to be quiet and lower his voice.  It was even a relief when we moved out into the woods, and I wouldn't have to worry as much about listening ears.  How crazy is that?  The ability to be able to leave my husband and move on with my life was achieved when the kids were out of the house - the youngest going to college in two weeks.
Living with Bipolar and struggling to maintain balance while living this family life was challenging, but accomplished .  Stress magnified my need for care, but my focus of family kept me moving forward.  I am so thankful to my parents for their undeniable support.
The tough times were frequent during those years, but the accomplishments that were made were huge and obvious.  The ability to be able to go back to college and then becoming a Registered Nurse while caring for the family and traveling from New Hampshire to Boston was achieved.  All the children graduated with baccalaureate degrees from college and became loving, caring decent human beings with purpose of their own.
The scars of fear remain for me but life is now moving in a beautiful direction.  I don't regret and I am not bitter about any of the past.  God has helped me to heal.  I am thankful for all the strength and knowledge I have attained.  For it is with trials and determination, courage and blessings are achieved.

****************

There is nothing more beautiful and powerful as a smile that has struggled through the tears.  Don't regret your time, even the moments that were filled with hurt.  Smile because you learned from it and gained the strength to rise above it.  In the end, it is not what you have been through that defines who you are; it's how you got through it that has made you the person you are today, and the person you are capable of being tomorrow. 

Unknown

  This quote was found on the Positive Outlooks Blog