Beautiful Country Stenciled Gate

A good winter project.  This gate is nice for both cats and dogs in the same household.  It prevents the pups from invading the kitties spaces.  

Easy Do-It-Yourself Fun and pretty project.  I found an old fence on Craigslist and made it into a couple of gates with hardware to open and lock.  The fence was already white but needed a good cleaning.  I wanted the old look so a fresh paint job was not for me.  I then stenciled the fence with the rose vines.  My husband hung it up and installed.  Cost total $20.00

A quick project with beautiful results and personal satisfaction!

My Break in Reality

Telling my story can be fearful and a hard one due to the stigma behind mental illness.  I am living with an illness in which some people think is made up, or evil, or that needs to be disregarded, or perhaps can be willed under control.  Some people may say let it go, or don't let it define you.  I say "Can you let go of Heart Disease?".  And yes, define me - it will not!  It is the perceptions of my illness that I am trying to not let define me.  When someone says, I have to make sure that I eat or I need to take my blood sugar before I eat due to diabetes, is that not acceptable?  However when I say, I need to take it easy today my mind is racing or I need to stay home today because my anxiety is too much, the understanding of these topics is obscured with distortion of what mental illness is perceived to be.

I do need to accept my illness and thankfully achieved that goal.  And yes, I need to leave things behind me.  The acceptance for me has been a difficult experience.  Due to my own perceptions of what mental illness is, I struggled with the idea that, "I am one of those?".  But ultimately it is with the acceptance that I was able to take control and maintain my illness.  Taking responsibility for my own health care and not denying that there is a problem, with the knowledge of diagnosis and care has allowed me to grow .  As well as leaving things behind creates a painful walk, but ultimately with leaving things behind, strength is gained and knowledge, acceptance, and the journey forward can continue.

Being diagnosed with Bipolar in my early twenties was unbelievable to me.  Yet how could I deny that I had gone through a period of mania and stress that led to distortion of thoughts and delusions.  There were particular stressful events that tipped me in that direction, and ultimately made me unable to handle the stress, but what occurred I could not deny.

What my mind did under stressful conditions with the component of a mental illness added is amazing.  My mind was at that point so twisted that I could not make decisions without counting on my fingers because if I ended with the wrong numbers it could end in disaster.  I was trying to maneuver my decisions based on "signs" from God, such as street signs, music, television programs guiding me with what my mind interpreted to be the right way to walk.  I remember coloring with crayons in my basement and deciding whether I would go out that day based on whether the sun would shine that day.  Bible verses were ingrained in my mind.  Then I began with Delusions of Grandeur; my son was the new coming of Jesus Christ.  Dear God, my mind was gone.

How the mind can take over with delusions and be totally in control of one's life is a scary experience, and how to leave that experience behind is challenging and takes time.  For me, I had to talk it out, and talk it out, and talk it out.  It took me years to wrap my brain around what happened.  Thankfully, it no longer controls me.  Leave it behind and move forward I did!

Understanding that one is not crazy, but that it is an illness that needs medication and to be monitored is so needed.  I recall that during this time of need, in my depression I asked for advise with these life stresses.  It was a pastor that replied to me, "We all have a pity party now and again". Just a response like that can break the spirit.  It is the recognition of mental illness, treatment, and the respect for people living with this illness that is needed.  Moving forward as a society to honor everyone inflicted with human dignity and recognition will be beautiful to see.

Daily Devotionals

Goal for the day, and everyday!  

Sometimes what seems the easiest becomes burdensome for me.  Yet when I start my day with God, my focus is much more clearly defined.  And when I begin my devotionals, I thoroughly enjoy them.  So Lord I ask for your focus and guidance today.  Make this a happy and fulfilling one!

Short devotional I found this morning:

Quite appropriate!

http://getmorestrength.org/videos/use-by-date-by-joe-stowell/

In looking for a video of a devotional today, I was struck by the message of this one by Joe Stowell.  It makes me think of my mom, and how she always made the most of each day.  Even though she was bedridden the last couple weeks of her life, she was filled with love and made everyone around her feel her energy and grace.  Tomorrow makes one year that she was taken from this earth to see our glorious Father.  She knew with all certainty where she would be going.  I had no doubt as well.

Today I will make the most of the day though circumstances may pop in and try to take over.

I will live in the moment.

Be You

Beautiful, isn't it?

Looking for Guidance

It's a wonderful thing how the lyrics of a song can speak right to the heart.  The words can give you strength when needed, fill a void, move us forward, give us determination, and will to achieve.  That is exactly what the lyrics of this song is brilliant for doing.  Stand by Rascal Flatts serves to inspire, make the weakened fight, and to guide and move us toward victory!

During happy, difficult, sad, or any other emotion there is, there is a song to be there with me.  It's amazing how this brilliantly written song gave me the strength when I needed it so desperately during the time when I left my husband and began moving forward into a new unknown area.  I was scared, lonely, and felt so lost.  This was the first time that I would be on my own.

I went from childhood to adulthood in a moments passing.  I was under the wings of my parents, then  I was caring for my child and married by the age of sixteen.  I was naive to what was around me.  Being sheltered and cared for was what I had always experienced.

I wanted to be an adult and I fought to be there.  I wanted to be a mother and show ultimate love and care for my child.  It was a decision that I had made without knowing its depth.  Yet it was a decision that I have always taken seriously and put my full heart and soul into doing with the absolute best ability that I could. 

But now I was making decisions for my future without my husband and partner of around twenty-five years.  I was searching for the best for me.  My children were now grown and I was moving forward with my life.  I did still have my parents as always that would support my decisions, but they were careful to stay neutral.  My decisions were my own.

It was a hard walk forward with suicidal thoughts at times, with a mental illness to contain and monitor daily, and now I needed to support myself for the first time while living alone.  I within a short period of time went from a family of five to a single person living alone.  What a impulsive, ambitious, steadfast jolt forward.  But there was no turning back now.  My life depended on this and turning around was no option.  

Just getting through moments, minutes, then hours was difficult.  Yet through faith, belief in myself, help from my parents, friends, counselors, doctors, I was able to break free.  Seeing life in a different perspective and less hurtful and emotionally abusive was the goal and I thank the Lord, was achieved.  Living with calmness and less anger brings so much more joy.

The fight to get to this point was a difficult one.  The people that helped me on this journey and down this windy path I am forever grateful and thankful for their love.  And for those wonderfully inspired lyrics that gave me strength and will, I will forever be filled with gratitude to the creators.

Stand Rascal Flatts Lyrics

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless, like you've lost your fight
But you'll be all right, you'll be all right

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend till you break
'Cause it's all you can take
On your knees, you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

Life's like a novel with the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon with only one way down
Take what you're given before it's gone
And start holdin' on, keep holdin' on

'Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend till you break
'Cause it's all you can take
On your knees, you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, yeah, then you stand

Every time you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend till you break
'Cause it's all you can take
On your knees, you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

Yeah, then you stand, yeah
Yeah, baby
Woo hoo, woo hoo, woo hoo, woo hoo
Then you stand, yeah, yeah

Being the Proctector of Your Family

The very first time I had suicidal ideation was the day that I left my ex-husband.  I never quite understood how that suicide could ever be an option for anyone.  The thought scared me so much that I had to run fast.  Praying to God on my knees, asking for his help to guide me.  He is always the perfect one to go to.

Understanding why I had these suicidal thoughts was difficult to understand.  My children were always needing my protection and strength.  They were needing me in every aspect for their growth.  I was scared to leave them to their father because his anger was too much to bear for me, and for them.  Therefore I was their protector.  This I believe kept any thoughts of leaving this earth from my mind.  I was always able to focus on the ones who needed me, and the ones who I loved more than life itself.

Strange though how in an instant suicidal thoughts can plague the mind.  I remember this day so well.  The anger was still there with my husband, yet stronger and scarier this particular day.  The children were almost gone from the home completely.  My daughter, Candace was engaged and living with her then boyfriend.  Corey, my oldest son, was living in an apartment in Vermont and finishing his college career.  And Jay, my youngest was all ready to start college in about two weeks.  All arrangements on dorms, items that he would need, and financial needs for the year were figured out.  And yet the anger seemed escalated to me.  I guess I was scared with the thought of living alone with this man.  Crazy as it may seem.  Did I now have a purpose?  I felt trapped in my situation suddenly, and immediately my mind went to suicide.  What a horrifying thought and experience to live.

Since that time I have suicidal ideation with situational stress that I am unable to handle.  It is with frequent counseling and medication management that I can glide through without being scraped and bruised.  But to live with "fleeting" thoughts of suicide, or even "sticking" thoughts makes life a terrifying walk.  Learning how to manage situations and handle the anxiety and stress is a constant education to me.  

I am constantly learning how to be in a healthy relationship without anger.  The feelings of shock when I get a level-headed response to a question, observation, or an action still leaves me with feelings of wonderment.  Pleasantly I am beginning to understand the reality of non-threatening love.  This is allowing me to embrace my Journey with joy.

With Bipolar, suicidal ideation is a SYMPTOM.  It is not how I truly feel, but it is a difficult symptom that tells me where my mind is at the moment.  Sometimes it is torturous to live through this symptom and learning what to do in these times is key.

I have a wonderful counselor that I have had for years who is teaching me how to deal with day to day life, how to live in a healthy relationship, and how to manage my illness - because, yes Bipolar is an illness.  It is similar to any other illness that has to be managed on a daily basis!  It is just the stigma that comes along with Mental illness that is the Monster.  

I have learned a lot along the way.  It's funny how a comment from somebody can resonate for a long time, if not forever.  I had a counselor, years ago, when I was going through a difficult period and I believed suicide was a way for me to release my burdens.  She explained to me that even though I was done raising my children, that commitment goes on forever and through the generations.  Being accountable lasts forever because when someone commits suicide it is more likely that their children, grandchildren, family members, or others close to them will also commit suicide.  

What an obligation we have to ensure the safety of our families.  A truly overwhelming and difficult task to accomplish at times.  But, I'm in it for life!  It's ironic that I will always be their protector and with this, that job protects me.  

Crossing Paths

Enjoy the time you have and be thankful!

Thank you Positive Outlooks!

Always Believe in Yourself

Believe in yourself...

This was a constant theme that my mother always wanted me to achieve - the belief that I was capable, worthy, kind, and full of love.  Her belief in me kept me filled with a desire to move forward.  She believed in me even when I had no strength to believe.  I never understood how she was able to so strongly believe in my ability to go on, and fulfill a desirable life.

My hope has disappeared many times.  The turmoil of my mind encompasses me at times, and I'm unable to see the joy around me - or anything around me, for that matter.  The trials of living with a mental illness (such as Bipolar) and the walk of a bumpy road that knocks you down quite frequently is exhausting to not only the one with the illness, but also to the loved ones.

My mother no matter where her mind was, her physical illnesses were, or how personally emotional and tired she was, she unbelievably was able to put herself aside and focus on others needs.  She was truly a woman that was filled with unselfishness, and loved with all her being.  I recall her fight with a brain hemorrhage when it was thought that she would not to be able to survive.  After a fall down the stairs, she was flown from New Hampshire to Boston Mass General Hospital.  Her struggle and fight to live was extraordinary.  She achieved the ability to once again think clearly, walk again, laugh, and be joyous - as she was always capable of doing, no matter the circumstances.  I was told she would never feed herself again.  Yet she achieved this through persistence.  I was able to follow her conversation, though I was told this was impossible.  She began to tell me how I needed to write my memoirs.  How is it that she could focus on me when her own life was in such turmoil.  She was to me beyond the epitome of grace.

She died almost one year after that fall.  It was not the hemorrhage that took her life.  It was a struggle with blood cancer that she was filled with that took over.  She was even in hospice and understood the depth of her disease, and she was continuing to Believe.  Her strength amazed me.

I recall a few days before her dying that we had a conversation.  She was more scared for me than she was for herself when she died.  She had no idea how I would make it through.  Come to find out she had made MANY people promise to take care of me.  (Doesn't surprise me).  However to give her some peace during that time, though it was extremely hard for me to do, I told her that when she died I would be OK - though even I had trouble believing that.  She was surprised that I was saying that and said to me, "Am I that sick?".   I explained that she had a lot going on, and she understood.  But I do know that the peace of hearing that I would be OK helped ease her soul.  She peacefully died a few days later with me and my brother at her side.

I was going through a few of her things a few days later and found among many cards that she had bought, this one that struck me as being for me.  It was not signed though it brought me strength and I felt that it was her love beside me.  I knew this with all my heart.

Believe in yourself...

...and never, ever give up.

I told her that I would be OK.  It is on my hard days that I have the strongest fight of all.

Mom, I love you with all my heart.

The Gift of a Memory

A beautiful project to take on!  Lovely.

I have recently started to incorporate birds into the decor of my kitchen.  I also see beautiful birdhouses out of my kitchen window.  I's funny how some things can remind you of a loved one.  

One of the last "projects" I remember doing with my Dad was setting up a wonderful birdfeeder that he had bought that actually had solar lights on the bottom to see the birds dancing on it at night.  He truly was a lover of birdwatching from the comfort of his three season porch.  When we were putting up this birdhouse, my dad was already filled with cancer from his lungs to his bones.  He was unable to walk due to pain, yet he remained forever persistent.  He was able to put a pole onto his deck with screws, and this beautiful birdhouse was sparkling in the sunshine.  It was definitely a difficult project, but so worth the effort.  This is such a fond memory that I have and I am very grateful for it.  Adding the birds around me gives me comfort, and a sense of peace.

My dining room or kitchen is aching for something so beautifully inspired as this!

Dad 1948-2010

How I Feel

Looking to the Future

Learning from the past is a difficult task indeed.  To love and run from destructive love makes the Journey  confusing.  The incredible joy of loving a soul with all of your being is an all encompassing joy.  Yet to later discover that this love is not the happiness that was once felt, but to realize the tearing jolt of horror - when the reality means that the love is manipulative and self serving is crushing to the spirit.

My love was from when I was a young, dear I say, child of thirteen.  We fought for that love to be maintained, but the greater force of cruelty won out.  It was when I was thirty-eight and suicidal that I asked the Lord with desperation for His Help and Guidance.  And Guidance is what He gave me.  Run, He told me with a voice so strong that I had nothing to do, but listen.  I ran fast and with desperation.  I wanted to live.  I wanted happiness and joy.  I wanted to feel loved.

Sometimes remembering the break of spirit that caused the desperation is lost when I am trying to live within the moment of happiness and its grips.  Remembering the love is what I see.  The grip of the good times when happiness is at the forefront is what I see, and the nightmares are vague in the background.  Though what I see, bubbling up to the top and I breath it in, is the delusional happiness that I imagine it could be.  

Thankfully I am now filled with an abundantly healthy fulfilling love which helps my soul to heal and move forward to a higher joy that has yet to be seen.  The future, living with optimism of ones-self, and loving freely without expectation is beautiful.  Fulfilling over-whelming joy which includes friends, family, my love, and the Lord is in the horizon.  

Moving toward the Integrity of Truth

So the weekend has been a long one.  A terrible cold is what I have had, and my bed has been my main comforter.  The past months turmoil of being abused by the system has taken its toll.  How medical professionals can zone in on the fact that I am Bipolar and use that as an answer to all of my medical problems is utterly absurd.  I have now seen discrimination at the height of its terrible fangs,  dripping with the disgust of the craving of making a mental illness a fully irrelevant and abused society.  To see the whole light of the situation in its entire chaos is amazing and scary.  I am a former Registered Nurse who understands the medical system.  I am far from the naive and ignorant consumer who just sits back and allows myself to be tossed around.  This is part of my Journey that I've been dealt, and moving forward with it with integrity is my plan.  Perhaps this will be part of the enlightenment.  I say, bring it on. 

Life Is Like A Roller Coaster...

Dishfunctional Designs: Life Is Like A Roller Coaster...

The Journey Continues...

As I start this Blog I am filled with the hope that I will discover the peace and happiness that I so crave.  When one has a mental illness that needs to be managed on a daily basis, happiness is sometimes a distant endeavor.  Spirituality, family, and the love of the people around me helps me to maintain homeostasis.  However the dynamic process is hard to maintain and the Journey yet continues.  Enjoying the Journey is the goal!  Living with Joy is ultimate.  Follow me for the ride as I am sure there will be enlightenment.  So lets begin...