Learning from the past is a difficult task indeed. To love and run from destructive love makes the Journey confusing. The incredible joy of loving a soul with all of your being is an all encompassing joy. Yet to later discover that this love is not the happiness that was once felt, but to realize the tearing jolt of horror - when the reality means that the love is manipulative and self serving is crushing to the spirit.
My love was from when I was a young, dear I say, child of thirteen. We fought for that love to be maintained, but the greater force of cruelty won out. It was when I was thirty-eight and suicidal that I asked the Lord with desperation for His Help and Guidance. And Guidance is what He gave me. Run, He told me with a voice so strong that I had nothing to do, but listen. I ran fast and with desperation. I wanted to live. I wanted happiness and joy. I wanted to feel loved.
Sometimes remembering the break of spirit that caused the desperation is lost when I am trying to live within the moment of happiness and its grips. Remembering the love is what I see. The grip of the good times when happiness is at the forefront is what I see, and the nightmares are vague in the background. Though what I see, bubbling up to the top and I breath it in, is the delusional happiness that I imagine it could be.
Thankfully I am now filled with an abundantly healthy fulfilling love which helps my soul to heal and move forward to a higher joy that has yet to be seen. The future, living with optimism of ones-self, and loving freely without expectation is beautiful. Fulfilling over-whelming joy which includes friends, family, my love, and the Lord is in the horizon.
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