Believe in Tomorrow

When you feel like your feet can't move anymore and you feel lost in the middle of the storm, there will be new blessings coming and strength and wisdom that is achieved.  Just keep going.

A Day of Beauty

A hop is in my step today.  Looking forward to a beautiful day.

Never Be Afraid of Who You Are

The stigma of mental illness has not been an easy fear for me to combat.  There has been an improvement since years ago, though a better awareness and tolerance is needed.  Also treatment and care needs to be improved within health care, insurance, and across the population of people who just don't understand what mental illness is all about.  

The thought that people think I'm different or crazy because of a diagnosis has been a problem that needs resolution.  Over twenty years ago with my first psychotic break, it was apparent that the inability to cope with a particular situation was beyond my ability.  I do have to admit that at that time the circumstance that brought me over the edge was an undeniable fear.  

My capacity to deal with this situation was too much for me, so my mind began to protect me from my fear of loss.  I became delusional with thoughts of my ex-husband being a child molester to my children, which he was not.  I, after years of wondering why my mind came to that conclusion, decided it was a way of being able to take a valid and complete action against my ex-husband for behavior that was totally intolerable.

Sexual molestation was not the problem but another type of abuse which at times was violent and other times emotional, was the case.  I believe I thought that the anger and emotional reasons for abuse could be worked out.  He was not an  unkind person, after all.  But when social services brought about the thought of the loss of my children, and when I was the one dealing with that issue alone (never my ex-husband), I had lost that parental control.  I had lost the ability to be the mother that I knew I was - a compassionate and loving mother.

It was after mother's day in which I was given a dozen roses, from my ex-husband, that my mind began to slip.  I was relying on God and his guidance for all of my actions, and I thought that I could see God's plan being unraveled in front of my eyes.  Clearly I was not thinking rationally.

I confronted my ex-husband about the molestation, in which he denied.  Yes, this was a delusion.  But I was absolutely sure this was the case, and he would no longer be a part of their lives.  I was fierce.

  Paranoia set in which I thought I was being watched.  Water, rain, ponds, anything with water would cleanse me, and help to purify my thoughts.  I was fully clothed and walking into a pond near my parents home.  The ability to talk became difficult because I was counting all of my syllables, and feared that I would end up on the wrong number.  Numbers, colors, songs, street signs, pretty much everything I saw or heard meant something.

My parents took over with the children and with getting me the help that I needed.  I recall crying and screaming when a friend dropped me off at my parents home.  I was a fully grown adult, yet my dad carried me into the house as I was unable to be comforted and I cried and screamed uncontrollably.  It was mom that fought my battles as I was unable to at that time.  I even resorted back to calling my parents mommy and daddy.  I so needed their help and care.  Being strong for too long and refusing to get help or assistance had control over my mind.  I was under the grips of a total breakdown.

Before being hospitalized, I recall being in bed for the night.  Mom was caring for the kids at my home.  I was having difficulty speaking and my ex-husband came into the room and sat on the edge of the bed.  I'm sure his pride had been crushed due to the accusations I had made.  I tried to speak to him, but couldn't get out any words because of my delusional fears.  Tears were the only thing that I could accomplish at that time.  To my disbelief, I recall the anger in his eyes as both his hands went to encircle my neck.  He retreated before touching my skin.  However my fear of him and that unbelievable scenario, I will forever remember.

It is after I received the help that I needed and was put on medications to control my psychosis that I was able to move on with my life.  The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder of the fear of losing the kids had been initiated and combated for years to come, as I strived to maintain my marriage.  The children were raised and loved and pushed toward successful futures.  And gratefully with much love, my parents were the guiding and loving force which held my optimism and persistence to achieve balance and goals.

I was always afraid to disclose that I had and still do suffer from Mental Illness or that I had endured any of that stressful chaos in the past.  It was my mom who said that I should never be afraid of who I am.  It was with time and courage I that became capable of telling my story, and to not be afraid of repercussions or of the stigma that remains.

I am now able to embrace the strength that I have achieved through my difficulties.  I am not any different than anyone else.  I have a brain disorder in which my medications maintain my balance along with therapy - just as someone may have any other physical disorder that medications control.  Isn't our brain just as much a part of our body as our heart, liver, lungs, endocrine system, or any other system or organ?  It is just that which scares people or there is lack of understanding, stigmas are based.   

Daisy

This is Daisy.  She shows me unconditional love, and always helps me to look at the good things in life.  The best decision I recently made was adopting her into our family.

With the deaths of both of my parents and caring for my mother during her end of life, the aftermath of the losses left me alone without knowing how to move forward.  I decided to get this little pup, and learn to train her.  She has brought me a wonderful happiness and purpose that I forgot I had.

I am alone during the day because I am unable to work due to my disability.  Well that is no longer the case.  She follows my lead and goes with my temperament and schedule.  She is a well behaved, smart, loving pup.  I couldn't have asked for better!

Stay Calm and Smile

I spoke at a Public Hearing for the state's budget to advocate for mental health care recently.  This is something I've never done before.  Not knowing what I was doing, I read up on the areas of concern that needed to not be decreased or eliminated, and I wrote why I felt this way.  I also added a tiny bit of my experience with Mental Illness into my writing.  

I thought to myself that I was prepared, even though I was unsure if my words were appropriate.  Yes, I  was nervous but onward I went.Waiting for my turn to speak felt eternal.  It is not that I have never done public speaking because I had.  I had spoken about my mental illness in a forum before, and had done it successfully.  But this was different.  This was televised and I was uncertain of the comments I was saying.  This was more of a professional and formal atmosphere than I had previously spoke in before.

Finally my name was called and I walked up and sat in the front chair, and waited for the person beside me to finish speaking.  As I was sitting there, I was aware (quite significantly) that the top of my head began to pound.  I tried to will it away.  I prayed to get through this speech.  It was only two minutes.  I could do this.  Truly I didn't feel as nervous as my body was responding.  I was able to read some of my speech, but my time seemed to fly by much too quickly.  And when I saw the red light go on, I finished the sentence that I was reading.

I smiled as the chairman of the board said "Thank you for coming", and I quickly walked out of the Town Hall.  My head was uncontrollably pounding and nausea was taking over.  When I got to my car, first thing I was able to do was call my husband.  Thank God he was available and able to be as calming and understanding as he was.
I sat there in my car crying with my husband at the other end of the phone for over a half an hour.  Then I was able to move my car down the road to the drugstore to get some migraine medicine, and once again sit there for a short period of time.  Thank God for my husband's calming voice and help with what I should do next.  Sometimes the ability to think to the next step when anxiety takes over is beyond me.  Despite all of my chaos after the speech, it is without any recognition from anyone that there was any problem.
That is the way it always has been for me.  I'm (usually) able to keep it together and smile until after what needs to be done is done.  I can appear calm on the outside, and how I'm able to do this is not even understood by me.  Though this doesn't work all the time, my calm demeanor is even not understood by me.
What I'm thankful for is that even though I had a breakdown after I spoke at the town hall, the Lord allowed me to speak.  I was able to get across some of my thoughts clearly.  I spoke on behalf of the many people that so need these services, and their funding.
What I learned is that in an atmosphere such as this, I would prefer to advocate from the sidelines.  Perhaps writing my beliefs and experiences would be the better way to go.  I can advocate loudly by writing to the government officials.


This is a copy of my recent statement at the Town Hall in relation to the budget and Mental Healthcare:

March 9, 2015

I first introduced myself.

I'm a former Registered Nurse who is now unable to work due to my disabling Bipolar Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Anxiety Disorder. I'm here in support of the funding for Mental Health Services as proposed in the budget.

All of the proposed areas are in great need for continuation, and I believe there is even a greater need than these alone. Even the thought of decreasing the Mental Health efforts when there is such a need for more help is troublesome. This decision will put any mental health reform, stigma, or agenda to decrease discrimination toward mental health obstacles at a major disadvantage. There is such a great need for more medical help, sensitivity to individuals, and a greater need for awareness of the burden that is Mental Illness.

The Ten Year Mental Health Plan and the Children's Behavioral Health Plan are integral parts to making a change in Mental Health Reform and bringing us to a better place with regard to Mental Illness problems as a society. Thinking of Mental Illness as secondary or a less important problem is wrong and needs to be changed. Meeting the needs of all human beings and their illnesses is the goal.

I recall thinking to myself one time that I would prefer to have a terminal cancer because at least there is an end to the suffering. Why is it that a physical illness is anymore important than mental illness? It is the entire person as a whole that is in need of assistance.

I support the reauthorizing of The New Hampshire Health Protection Program. Low Income families afflicted with substance abuse and Mental Illness need both medical and mental health help, along with substance abuse help as well. There are many individuals already benefiting from the mental health services which are provided as part of this Health Protection Program. Also substance abuse care is needed for low income individuals as well.

Mental Health and Substance Abuse programs are essential. As part of the news we hear about the increase in suicide which can be helped with enough mental health resources available. I must admit that Suicidal Ideation is something in which I struggle with myself. It is a symptom of my mental illness that I deal with, and without resources to help me learn how to deal with it, I may not be here today. Also deaths related to substance abuse is astonishing. I was recently touched by a death of friend's child. A beautiful young female who was twenty-seven and had one child at her time of death due to heroine. Decreasing these instances and more help is needed.

 Finally, I support the funding for the Mental Health Settlement Agreement. Though it was stated in the “Expert Reviewer Report” written on December 26, 2014 that there are “not sufficient” resources for implementation. These resources are “scarce” but that is not a reason to “slow down or impede implementation”. I believe that moving forward is essential. There are ways to move forward, but to decrease what is minimally available is disheartening. It decreases any abilities to solving critical areas of concern.

Courage

Keep trying!

Wonderful Beginning

Saying goodbye is so extremely difficult, even if you are the one creating the action.  Many say that when a marriage stays together for a lifetime, that is the way it's suppose to be.  It is truly amazing.  And yes, I agree.  However there are those times in which a relationship is best to dissolve.  I never thought that I would say these words, yet without a doubt I believe this to be true.

I am not saying that with difficulties in a relationship one should flee and say I've had enough.  That would be absurd.  However there are instances when a relationship is damaging and destroying to someone.  In this unhealthy instance, it is imperative to realize this fact and move to the next chapter.  I know that this statement can and will be contested.  However when one lives through an unhealthy relationship, I believe this to be best.  

It had been twenty-five years that we had been a couple, and I finally realized that the patterns of anger would not change.  It is not that we had not tried.  It was not that there was not a love between us.  It was that this relationship was unhealthy and emotionally abusive.  And it was time to think of my emotional stability and health.

Leaving a relationship after all those years was incredibly exhausting.  Just to make it through moments at times without thinking about him and wanting to call him was a great effort.  My counselor helped me to achieve and make it through those times.  Learning to increase my time without speaking to him was helpful.  I remember her telling me that if I'm in the car and I want to call him just say to myself that I can make it to the next exit, then to another exit.  This strategy of waiting definitely increased my ability to stay away.  It may sound silly but after being with him from the age of thirteen, there was a definite need for him.

I never understood the hardship that was endured with a divorce, and I believe that someone who has not gone through this pain is at a disadvantage of that understanding capability.  My only comparison is a death of a loved one, yet this person is still alive and can be reached.  This awareness makes the end of the relationship strenuous because there is no definite completion.  Not that this makes this situation harder, it is just similar in that one has to learn to live without that person.

For me this decision, though it was hard, was a breakthrough to a new beginning for me.  At first I felt lost, and I didn't know what to do with all of my time.  Moving on as a single person was truly something I had not experienced since I was a teenager.  But as time went on, living and moving to the next day was easier.

I met a few people who I dated for brief periods of time, but it was when I met my now husband that I knew he could be the one.  One particular Valentines Day, I remember him travelling an hour and a half in the morning before his work time to surprise me on my lunch break.  I went out to my car and saw it filled with balloons, a  large soft pink teddy bear, beautiful roses, and a box of chocolate.  I remember just laughing and being filled with such a joy that I hadn't felt for years.  My heart was so filled with love.  He won me over.  It was three years later that we married each other.

I had acquired a PTSD from my previous marriage that my new husband and I had to both learn how to deal with.  Just a harsh or louder tone of voice would make me turn my emotions inward, and I would hold in all of my thoughts and feelings.  Learning how to deal with situations productively for me was challenging.  It was also a challenge for my husband who has always been patient and understanding.

Just the difference in monitoring and controlling my Bipolar has been a complete turn around.  My previous husband did not like my doctors, my medications, my challenges.  This would cause incredible stress which magnified my difficulties.  My husband now is such a supporter.  He has done research, gone to counselling appoints with me, helps to monitor my moods, and is my biggest supporter.

I remember the fear that my parents had when I was with my ex-husband.  They feared that I would not be cared for properly, if I had a decompensation in my mental status, due to anger or inability to understand on my ex-husbands part.  I recall the relief for both of them felt, before their deaths, with the realization that I was now in a healthy, loving, caring relationship in which protection and understanding would be provided.

God has definitely rewarded me with a new beginning.  Life is moving forward without fear!  The dreadful fear that I lived with for years is gone.  It is joyful and astonishing to know that now when I say something, though I cringe for the response, what I get is a rational reply.  Sometimes I smile to myself because the change is just breathtaking.

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Knowing With Certainty

Knowing that it was just God who touched your soul is a beautiful thing.  Seeing His love unfold around us is awesome!

Thank you God

Past Dedication

Written in the beginning of 2013 on personal Facebook Page:

When I graduated from nursing school, eons ago, this song came out and it immediately made me think of my mom. I bought her this CD, I think for mothers day, and dedicated this song to her.
It is not only because she is my mom. It is because she is a true friend and I couldn't have asked for a better role model to aspire to. 
I have not always been the easiest child. (Don't tell her I admitted this). Other than the usual antics. Yes, getting married at 16, having all my children by the time I was 19, and then to top it off finding out I had Bipolar and having to be hospitalized several times over the years, this was trying to say the least.
I do recall though that during one of my "breakdowns", my mind had a break in reality. I needed someone to care for me, fight for me, and guide me back to living my life. Mom was the one who did this. She not only fought for me, she was there reorganizing my life afterward. Teaching me once again how to do the laundry, organize the house, care for the kids.
Thankfully, I now monitor myself extremely closely, and I have a wonderfully supportive husband and children. But it is my mom who has pushed me forward. And mom, I will do everything I can for you.
Thank you so much for your love.

Spirit of Strength

Always Believe and have Hope!

Struggle Turned Into Beauty

How could I ever possibly think this to be true?  When would this thought ever take place?  Then the time came!  Gradually, knowing that the struggle helped to create the beauty began to occur to me.

Going through the difficult times, and recalling the difficult times does not always mean, for me, that I am lost in the past, or thinking about what could have been.  Sometimes the recollections just help me to focus on what these times have taught me and how these experiences have given me perspective, and helped me to grow and become a strong individual.

Recalling my struggle with mental illness, the depression, the loss in reality, the mania, and all the experiences along with it that provided growth and awareness gives me hope in the future.  So much has happened, yet I made it through and now I know so much more than I did and I know what I need to do as I move forward.  This doesn't mean that this walk is any easier.  It just means that I'm more prepared and I've been there before.  It means that I'm better at withstanding trials because I have made it through the chaos.

I have also learned a great lesson too.  I have learned who I can trust and who will stand by my side and support me.  Family and friends have provided strength for me when the struggles were too hard to take.  They have pushed me forward and given me hope when I felt hopeless and confused.  I am so thankful to many of my family that I came to know more closely during these trying times in the last five years particularly, with the death of both my parents and the unbelievably hard times I didn't think that I'd make it through.  Just the encouraging words when I needed them has carried me to the next chapter.  

I have realized I have a pretty cool family, and extended family, that lifts me when I need them.  And I wish there were more words to say thank you and I love you.  I have also realized who my true friends are and the ones I can rely on.  Hard times definitely showed me who will be there.  My gratitude and love goes out to all of you.

Something that my mom would frequently say to me.  She told me to turn the situation around and put a spin on it, "turn the bad thoughts positive".  And I remember her saying, go out, have fun, and laugh - as if laughing could be a planned event.  What I did not even comprehend was that trying to make these things happen was possible, and even purposeful.

For me, writing my experiences allows me to do just that.  I am able to gain the true lesson and the growth gained from a situation.  I'm able to "turn the situation around and see the positive".  Mom was so right.  She really knew what she was talking about.  And to think, I never thought that turning a situation around was possible.  I never could comprehend how that was done.  And yes, with turning a situation positive it allows me to be more accomplished and at peace.

And as for her saying, "Go out, have fun, and laugh" - well, I'm still contemplating that one.  Perhaps it's the people who I decide to have in my life.  Keeping those people in my life who bring me happiness and love, and weed out those that are toxic to my spirit, will be helpful.  I will then be able to smile and laugh more.  Mom, I will definitely work on the laughing more!

I never truly understood the person that my mother was until she came home to live with me during the last six months of her life. She was an optimistic, loving, humorous, determined human being that never took being knocked down lightly.  She was able to pick herself up and move forward.  She was also a person with abundant love and oversight for her family and friends.  And she  led and taught by her actions.  And yes, she was able to smile and laugh despite any trying circumstance.

I remember her falling and being airlifted to Boston and having immediate life threatening brain surgery.  Living through the surgery or immediate recovery was questionable.  Yet when she was in ICU and under anesthesia while her brain recovered from the swelling, she was woken up periodically to see how she was recovering for brief moments of time.  One of those times she was able to smile and stick her tongue out at my son.  To be that carefree, loving, and optimistic is truly a gift.  So what excuse do I have not to follow her example.  What I learned was priceless.

  How could I say everything that happened was not special?  These times were trying, grueling, difficult times to endure.  Yet with all of these struggles, shining in the forefront is some amazingly beautiful moments and growth.  These were times I wouldn't change for anything.

Speaking My Mind

I chose to release myself, my memories, and to learn and grow.  This is my Journey to interpret, and be free to share.  Even if one person says I understand, I have accomplished my goal.  My voice does shake at times, and my comfort zone has been trampled.  But I am happily choosing to write, and yes, my "voice" may shake at times.

Thank you for your support and comments, and choosing to be a special part of walking down this path with me.

With Broad Shoulders...

He is gone, but watching as a beacon light.  My forever guide that gives me security.  Though death may have taken you, I am aware of your presence.  Often I am astounded with how you can still be so close.

Forever your little girl.

To give your daughter away in marriage when she is sixteen years old must be a hard experience.  That day is still bright in my mind.  I will forever remember his love.  With his voice cracking, I recall the love and concern in his eyes.  Though it was difficult, he was my supporter.  And he always had broad shoulders of protection.  He was always my watchful guardian.  I believe he still is.

Even many years later when I let my nursing license expire due to my inability to work because of my mental illness, he hired me as a receptionist, accounts receivable clerk, and human resources assistant in a mill where he was a manager.  He was able to teach me all that I needed to know, plus much more.  Our bond increased considerably during this time.  During those four years he was able to watch my emotional stability and how I was managing each day.  Yes daily was different with the challenges of my Bipolar.  His concern and ability to support and keep me grounded during that time was admirable.

When he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, he remained optimistic.  I knew that stage four cancer was ultimately going to take his life, and with the medical background I had, I felt trapped in my own dismay.  I could not acknowledge my fears to him.  This made for a lonely, stressful period.  But that day that I felt I was able to tell him how worried I was, I sobbed on his shoulder for the dad that I so loved.  I couldn't imagine losing him.  He knew that I was scared for him and he comforted me, though I'm sure his own concern for himself was in the forefront.  I recall my tears leaving mascara all over his shirt, and the two of us being able to chuckle about it.  This memory will always be ingrained in my mind.

I am grateful and forever thankful for the Dad that I was blessed to have.  I couldn't have asked for better.  I will always be full of love and gratitude for all that he provided.  Truly, my hero.  

Living Through Fear

Living with a daily fear in your mind for years and years is crippling to the spirit.  It is what is accomplished, though this fear exists, that shows our determination.  And what is of utmost importance is decided when one pushes through this anxiety and fear.  

It is draining to on a constant basis live with the thought of devastation and ultimate loss, but it is this thought that can be the motivator to be triumphant.  The thought of loss for me which would cause my devastation was having my children taken away from me and given to someone else.  Caring and loving my children was my position in life in which I took with great responsibility and care.  My children alone were the reason I moved forward despite this difficult fear.

This was not a made-up or fabricated fear in my mind that I began to consider for no reason.  This was due to, for me, a horrific experience that was endured.  This experience was teetering to be repeated due to circumstances that I lived with on a constant basis.

It was my life as a whole that could be crushed.  It was my former husband that was the key player and the one that could ultimately bring about the devastation.  He was the one who was able to thunderously scream and anger quickly.  He was the one who also held the family together financially.  And to lose his support and love, though distorted it was, I believed I could not survive alone with my children.  Though he was the threat that was causing the greater fear of extreme loss, there was no question in my mind that I was ultimately there to protect and raise the children.

To say that he didn't love his children and love me would be a lie.  He was kind and gentle at times.  He was motivational and there for the kids after school sports.  Yet the dictator and loud, no questioning or listening way about him was threatening much of the time.
Raising the children and keeping them happy and safe was the goal.  There were circumstances in which I wasn't there soon enough and emotional damage was done.  Physical damage was minimal, yet caused much havoc at particular times, and was never able to be tolerated.
Bringing one of my children to counseling was necessary, and this action was mocked by some,  though I fought for what was right and needed.  This was also a particularly scary experience for me because I was afraid that our "secrets" would be exposed.
This family life and fear of loss began at an early age of the children.  I remember the day and the experience which started the fear when social services knocked on my door, and continued till the time my youngest son turned eighteen.  I was always telling my husband to be quiet and lower his voice.  It was even a relief when we moved out into the woods, and I wouldn't have to worry as much about listening ears.  How crazy is that?  The ability to be able to leave my husband and move on with my life was achieved when the kids were out of the house - the youngest going to college in two weeks.
Living with Bipolar and struggling to maintain balance while living this family life was challenging, but accomplished .  Stress magnified my need for care, but my focus of family kept me moving forward.  I am so thankful to my parents for their undeniable support.
The tough times were frequent during those years, but the accomplishments that were made were huge and obvious.  The ability to be able to go back to college and then becoming a Registered Nurse while caring for the family and traveling from New Hampshire to Boston was achieved.  All the children graduated with baccalaureate degrees from college and became loving, caring decent human beings with purpose of their own.
The scars of fear remain for me but life is now moving in a beautiful direction.  I don't regret and I am not bitter about any of the past.  God has helped me to heal.  I am thankful for all the strength and knowledge I have attained.  For it is with trials and determination, courage and blessings are achieved.

****************

There is nothing more beautiful and powerful as a smile that has struggled through the tears.  Don't regret your time, even the moments that were filled with hurt.  Smile because you learned from it and gained the strength to rise above it.  In the end, it is not what you have been through that defines who you are; it's how you got through it that has made you the person you are today, and the person you are capable of being tomorrow. 

Unknown

  This quote was found on the Positive Outlooks Blog

Beautiful Country Stenciled Gate

A good winter project.  This gate is nice for both cats and dogs in the same household.  It prevents the pups from invading the kitties spaces.  

Easy Do-It-Yourself Fun and pretty project.  I found an old fence on Craigslist and made it into a couple of gates with hardware to open and lock.  The fence was already white but needed a good cleaning.  I wanted the old look so a fresh paint job was not for me.  I then stenciled the fence with the rose vines.  My husband hung it up and installed.  Cost total $20.00

A quick project with beautiful results and personal satisfaction!

My Break in Reality

Telling my story can be fearful and a hard one due to the stigma behind mental illness.  I am living with an illness in which some people think is made up, or evil, or that needs to be disregarded, or perhaps can be willed under control.  Some people may say let it go, or don't let it define you.  I say "Can you let go of Heart Disease?".  And yes, define me - it will not!  It is the perceptions of my illness that I am trying to not let define me.  When someone says, I have to make sure that I eat or I need to take my blood sugar before I eat due to diabetes, is that not acceptable?  However when I say, I need to take it easy today my mind is racing or I need to stay home today because my anxiety is too much, the understanding of these topics is obscured with distortion of what mental illness is perceived to be.

I do need to accept my illness and thankfully achieved that goal.  And yes, I need to leave things behind me.  The acceptance for me has been a difficult experience.  Due to my own perceptions of what mental illness is, I struggled with the idea that, "I am one of those?".  But ultimately it is with the acceptance that I was able to take control and maintain my illness.  Taking responsibility for my own health care and not denying that there is a problem, with the knowledge of diagnosis and care has allowed me to grow .  As well as leaving things behind creates a painful walk, but ultimately with leaving things behind, strength is gained and knowledge, acceptance, and the journey forward can continue.

Being diagnosed with Bipolar in my early twenties was unbelievable to me.  Yet how could I deny that I had gone through a period of mania and stress that led to distortion of thoughts and delusions.  There were particular stressful events that tipped me in that direction, and ultimately made me unable to handle the stress, but what occurred I could not deny.

What my mind did under stressful conditions with the component of a mental illness added is amazing.  My mind was at that point so twisted that I could not make decisions without counting on my fingers because if I ended with the wrong numbers it could end in disaster.  I was trying to maneuver my decisions based on "signs" from God, such as street signs, music, television programs guiding me with what my mind interpreted to be the right way to walk.  I remember coloring with crayons in my basement and deciding whether I would go out that day based on whether the sun would shine that day.  Bible verses were ingrained in my mind.  Then I began with Delusions of Grandeur; my son was the new coming of Jesus Christ.  Dear God, my mind was gone.

How the mind can take over with delusions and be totally in control of one's life is a scary experience, and how to leave that experience behind is challenging and takes time.  For me, I had to talk it out, and talk it out, and talk it out.  It took me years to wrap my brain around what happened.  Thankfully, it no longer controls me.  Leave it behind and move forward I did!

Understanding that one is not crazy, but that it is an illness that needs medication and to be monitored is so needed.  I recall that during this time of need, in my depression I asked for advise with these life stresses.  It was a pastor that replied to me, "We all have a pity party now and again". Just a response like that can break the spirit.  It is the recognition of mental illness, treatment, and the respect for people living with this illness that is needed.  Moving forward as a society to honor everyone inflicted with human dignity and recognition will be beautiful to see.

Daily Devotionals

Goal for the day, and everyday!  

Sometimes what seems the easiest becomes burdensome for me.  Yet when I start my day with God, my focus is much more clearly defined.  And when I begin my devotionals, I thoroughly enjoy them.  So Lord I ask for your focus and guidance today.  Make this a happy and fulfilling one!

Short devotional I found this morning:

Quite appropriate!

http://getmorestrength.org/videos/use-by-date-by-joe-stowell/

In looking for a video of a devotional today, I was struck by the message of this one by Joe Stowell.  It makes me think of my mom, and how she always made the most of each day.  Even though she was bedridden the last couple weeks of her life, she was filled with love and made everyone around her feel her energy and grace.  Tomorrow makes one year that she was taken from this earth to see our glorious Father.  She knew with all certainty where she would be going.  I had no doubt as well.

Today I will make the most of the day though circumstances may pop in and try to take over.

I will live in the moment.

Be You

Beautiful, isn't it?

Looking for Guidance

It's a wonderful thing how the lyrics of a song can speak right to the heart.  The words can give you strength when needed, fill a void, move us forward, give us determination, and will to achieve.  That is exactly what the lyrics of this song is brilliant for doing.  Stand by Rascal Flatts serves to inspire, make the weakened fight, and to guide and move us toward victory!

During happy, difficult, sad, or any other emotion there is, there is a song to be there with me.  It's amazing how this brilliantly written song gave me the strength when I needed it so desperately during the time when I left my husband and began moving forward into a new unknown area.  I was scared, lonely, and felt so lost.  This was the first time that I would be on my own.

I went from childhood to adulthood in a moments passing.  I was under the wings of my parents, then  I was caring for my child and married by the age of sixteen.  I was naive to what was around me.  Being sheltered and cared for was what I had always experienced.

I wanted to be an adult and I fought to be there.  I wanted to be a mother and show ultimate love and care for my child.  It was a decision that I had made without knowing its depth.  Yet it was a decision that I have always taken seriously and put my full heart and soul into doing with the absolute best ability that I could. 

But now I was making decisions for my future without my husband and partner of around twenty-five years.  I was searching for the best for me.  My children were now grown and I was moving forward with my life.  I did still have my parents as always that would support my decisions, but they were careful to stay neutral.  My decisions were my own.

It was a hard walk forward with suicidal thoughts at times, with a mental illness to contain and monitor daily, and now I needed to support myself for the first time while living alone.  I within a short period of time went from a family of five to a single person living alone.  What a impulsive, ambitious, steadfast jolt forward.  But there was no turning back now.  My life depended on this and turning around was no option.  

Just getting through moments, minutes, then hours was difficult.  Yet through faith, belief in myself, help from my parents, friends, counselors, doctors, I was able to break free.  Seeing life in a different perspective and less hurtful and emotionally abusive was the goal and I thank the Lord, was achieved.  Living with calmness and less anger brings so much more joy.

The fight to get to this point was a difficult one.  The people that helped me on this journey and down this windy path I am forever grateful and thankful for their love.  And for those wonderfully inspired lyrics that gave me strength and will, I will forever be filled with gratitude to the creators.

Stand Rascal Flatts Lyrics

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless, like you've lost your fight
But you'll be all right, you'll be all right

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend till you break
'Cause it's all you can take
On your knees, you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

Life's like a novel with the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon with only one way down
Take what you're given before it's gone
And start holdin' on, keep holdin' on

'Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend till you break
'Cause it's all you can take
On your knees, you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, yeah, then you stand

Every time you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend till you break
'Cause it's all you can take
On your knees, you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

Yeah, then you stand, yeah
Yeah, baby
Woo hoo, woo hoo, woo hoo, woo hoo
Then you stand, yeah, yeah

Being the Proctector of Your Family

The very first time I had suicidal ideation was the day that I left my ex-husband.  I never quite understood how that suicide could ever be an option for anyone.  The thought scared me so much that I had to run fast.  Praying to God on my knees, asking for his help to guide me.  He is always the perfect one to go to.

Understanding why I had these suicidal thoughts was difficult to understand.  My children were always needing my protection and strength.  They were needing me in every aspect for their growth.  I was scared to leave them to their father because his anger was too much to bear for me, and for them.  Therefore I was their protector.  This I believe kept any thoughts of leaving this earth from my mind.  I was always able to focus on the ones who needed me, and the ones who I loved more than life itself.

Strange though how in an instant suicidal thoughts can plague the mind.  I remember this day so well.  The anger was still there with my husband, yet stronger and scarier this particular day.  The children were almost gone from the home completely.  My daughter, Candace was engaged and living with her then boyfriend.  Corey, my oldest son, was living in an apartment in Vermont and finishing his college career.  And Jay, my youngest was all ready to start college in about two weeks.  All arrangements on dorms, items that he would need, and financial needs for the year were figured out.  And yet the anger seemed escalated to me.  I guess I was scared with the thought of living alone with this man.  Crazy as it may seem.  Did I now have a purpose?  I felt trapped in my situation suddenly, and immediately my mind went to suicide.  What a horrifying thought and experience to live.

Since that time I have suicidal ideation with situational stress that I am unable to handle.  It is with frequent counseling and medication management that I can glide through without being scraped and bruised.  But to live with "fleeting" thoughts of suicide, or even "sticking" thoughts makes life a terrifying walk.  Learning how to manage situations and handle the anxiety and stress is a constant education to me.  

I am constantly learning how to be in a healthy relationship without anger.  The feelings of shock when I get a level-headed response to a question, observation, or an action still leaves me with feelings of wonderment.  Pleasantly I am beginning to understand the reality of non-threatening love.  This is allowing me to embrace my Journey with joy.

With Bipolar, suicidal ideation is a SYMPTOM.  It is not how I truly feel, but it is a difficult symptom that tells me where my mind is at the moment.  Sometimes it is torturous to live through this symptom and learning what to do in these times is key.

I have a wonderful counselor that I have had for years who is teaching me how to deal with day to day life, how to live in a healthy relationship, and how to manage my illness - because, yes Bipolar is an illness.  It is similar to any other illness that has to be managed on a daily basis!  It is just the stigma that comes along with Mental illness that is the Monster.  

I have learned a lot along the way.  It's funny how a comment from somebody can resonate for a long time, if not forever.  I had a counselor, years ago, when I was going through a difficult period and I believed suicide was a way for me to release my burdens.  She explained to me that even though I was done raising my children, that commitment goes on forever and through the generations.  Being accountable lasts forever because when someone commits suicide it is more likely that their children, grandchildren, family members, or others close to them will also commit suicide.  

What an obligation we have to ensure the safety of our families.  A truly overwhelming and difficult task to accomplish at times.  But, I'm in it for life!  It's ironic that I will always be their protector and with this, that job protects me.  

Crossing Paths

Enjoy the time you have and be thankful!

Thank you Positive Outlooks!

Always Believe in Yourself

Believe in yourself...

This was a constant theme that my mother always wanted me to achieve - the belief that I was capable, worthy, kind, and full of love.  Her belief in me kept me filled with a desire to move forward.  She believed in me even when I had no strength to believe.  I never understood how she was able to so strongly believe in my ability to go on, and fulfill a desirable life.

My hope has disappeared many times.  The turmoil of my mind encompasses me at times, and I'm unable to see the joy around me - or anything around me, for that matter.  The trials of living with a mental illness (such as Bipolar) and the walk of a bumpy road that knocks you down quite frequently is exhausting to not only the one with the illness, but also to the loved ones.

My mother no matter where her mind was, her physical illnesses were, or how personally emotional and tired she was, she unbelievably was able to put herself aside and focus on others needs.  She was truly a woman that was filled with unselfishness, and loved with all her being.  I recall her fight with a brain hemorrhage when it was thought that she would not to be able to survive.  After a fall down the stairs, she was flown from New Hampshire to Boston Mass General Hospital.  Her struggle and fight to live was extraordinary.  She achieved the ability to once again think clearly, walk again, laugh, and be joyous - as she was always capable of doing, no matter the circumstances.  I was told she would never feed herself again.  Yet she achieved this through persistence.  I was able to follow her conversation, though I was told this was impossible.  She began to tell me how I needed to write my memoirs.  How is it that she could focus on me when her own life was in such turmoil.  She was to me beyond the epitome of grace.

She died almost one year after that fall.  It was not the hemorrhage that took her life.  It was a struggle with blood cancer that she was filled with that took over.  She was even in hospice and understood the depth of her disease, and she was continuing to Believe.  Her strength amazed me.

I recall a few days before her dying that we had a conversation.  She was more scared for me than she was for herself when she died.  She had no idea how I would make it through.  Come to find out she had made MANY people promise to take care of me.  (Doesn't surprise me).  However to give her some peace during that time, though it was extremely hard for me to do, I told her that when she died I would be OK - though even I had trouble believing that.  She was surprised that I was saying that and said to me, "Am I that sick?".   I explained that she had a lot going on, and she understood.  But I do know that the peace of hearing that I would be OK helped ease her soul.  She peacefully died a few days later with me and my brother at her side.

I was going through a few of her things a few days later and found among many cards that she had bought, this one that struck me as being for me.  It was not signed though it brought me strength and I felt that it was her love beside me.  I knew this with all my heart.

Believe in yourself...

...and never, ever give up.

I told her that I would be OK.  It is on my hard days that I have the strongest fight of all.

Mom, I love you with all my heart.

The Gift of a Memory

A beautiful project to take on!  Lovely.

I have recently started to incorporate birds into the decor of my kitchen.  I also see beautiful birdhouses out of my kitchen window.  I's funny how some things can remind you of a loved one.  

One of the last "projects" I remember doing with my Dad was setting up a wonderful birdfeeder that he had bought that actually had solar lights on the bottom to see the birds dancing on it at night.  He truly was a lover of birdwatching from the comfort of his three season porch.  When we were putting up this birdhouse, my dad was already filled with cancer from his lungs to his bones.  He was unable to walk due to pain, yet he remained forever persistent.  He was able to put a pole onto his deck with screws, and this beautiful birdhouse was sparkling in the sunshine.  It was definitely a difficult project, but so worth the effort.  This is such a fond memory that I have and I am very grateful for it.  Adding the birds around me gives me comfort, and a sense of peace.

My dining room or kitchen is aching for something so beautifully inspired as this!

Dad 1948-2010

How I Feel

Looking to the Future

Learning from the past is a difficult task indeed.  To love and run from destructive love makes the Journey  confusing.  The incredible joy of loving a soul with all of your being is an all encompassing joy.  Yet to later discover that this love is not the happiness that was once felt, but to realize the tearing jolt of horror - when the reality means that the love is manipulative and self serving is crushing to the spirit.

My love was from when I was a young, dear I say, child of thirteen.  We fought for that love to be maintained, but the greater force of cruelty won out.  It was when I was thirty-eight and suicidal that I asked the Lord with desperation for His Help and Guidance.  And Guidance is what He gave me.  Run, He told me with a voice so strong that I had nothing to do, but listen.  I ran fast and with desperation.  I wanted to live.  I wanted happiness and joy.  I wanted to feel loved.

Sometimes remembering the break of spirit that caused the desperation is lost when I am trying to live within the moment of happiness and its grips.  Remembering the love is what I see.  The grip of the good times when happiness is at the forefront is what I see, and the nightmares are vague in the background.  Though what I see, bubbling up to the top and I breath it in, is the delusional happiness that I imagine it could be.  

Thankfully I am now filled with an abundantly healthy fulfilling love which helps my soul to heal and move forward to a higher joy that has yet to be seen.  The future, living with optimism of ones-self, and loving freely without expectation is beautiful.  Fulfilling over-whelming joy which includes friends, family, my love, and the Lord is in the horizon.  

Moving toward the Integrity of Truth

So the weekend has been a long one.  A terrible cold is what I have had, and my bed has been my main comforter.  The past months turmoil of being abused by the system has taken its toll.  How medical professionals can zone in on the fact that I am Bipolar and use that as an answer to all of my medical problems is utterly absurd.  I have now seen discrimination at the height of its terrible fangs,  dripping with the disgust of the craving of making a mental illness a fully irrelevant and abused society.  To see the whole light of the situation in its entire chaos is amazing and scary.  I am a former Registered Nurse who understands the medical system.  I am far from the naive and ignorant consumer who just sits back and allows myself to be tossed around.  This is part of my Journey that I've been dealt, and moving forward with it with integrity is my plan.  Perhaps this will be part of the enlightenment.  I say, bring it on. 

Life Is Like A Roller Coaster...

Dishfunctional Designs: Life Is Like A Roller Coaster...

The Journey Continues...

As I start this Blog I am filled with the hope that I will discover the peace and happiness that I so crave.  When one has a mental illness that needs to be managed on a daily basis, happiness is sometimes a distant endeavor.  Spirituality, family, and the love of the people around me helps me to maintain homeostasis.  However the dynamic process is hard to maintain and the Journey yet continues.  Enjoying the Journey is the goal!  Living with Joy is ultimate.  Follow me for the ride as I am sure there will be enlightenment.  So lets begin...